grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.A couple in  Sweetwater,  Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the

plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.  She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see

what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.  He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time

the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had

bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.  But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

 The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store,

saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back

of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat. By now, the police had arrived.  They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!  The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.  Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of

the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

 Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).  Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.  A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced another cold snap. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.

In the 4th century AD in Korea a man had two sons. The elder rose to become Chief Justice in the land and the younger became an infamous bandit.The elder brother loved his younger brother but was unable to persuade him to change his ways.

Eventually the younger son was caught and brought before his brother, the Chief Justice. Everyone in the courtroom thought the younger brother would get off because it was well known that the Chief Justice loved his brother. But at then end of the trial, the Chief Justice sentenced his brother to death.

On the day of the execution, the elder brother came to the prison and said to his brother “Let’s swap places”. The younger brother agreed thinking that once they realised that it was the elder brother, the execution would not go forward.  He went up on the hill to watch proceedings. His brother was brought out at dawn and to his horror executed.

Filled with remorse, he ran down the hill and told the guard his name and that he was the criminal who should be executed. The guards said to him.“There is no sentence outstanding on anyone with that name” In the same way, Christ has died for our sins so there is no sentence outstanding. All we have to do is to accept his death in our place.

AND..

Do you remember the story about the Allentown guy who survived at least five attempts on his life?  The homicidal attempts were arranged by his dear wife and her lover. She arranged for assailants to beat him over the head with baseball bats. On one occasion she put a tripwire across the basement stairs in their house, hoping that he would trip over it & plummet to his death.  Twice she arranged for him to be shot. The first time she drugged his chicken soup so he would sleep soundly and  he was shot in the head, but miraculously survived. The second time he was shot in the chest, but only sustained minor injuries. “A great picture of a happy couple.”  But, even more miraculous than his survival was his attitude toward his wife once he found out she was responsible for all of this. A self confessed lady’s man himself, the victim said that he held his wife blameless.

When she was found guilty and sent to prison for arranging for his murder, he took their 4 children and visited her every week - every single week. Then when she was released from prison, she went back to their red brick home to resume her married life with the man she had attempted to murder.  His arm around her, he said, “We’re more in love now than ever before. I don’t understand why people break up over such silly little things.”  Right!  Alrighty then..love may be blind but sometimes it’s just downright stupid!

As Alexander the Great was carrying his triumphant military campaign towards the East, he had a section of his army approach a strongly fortified, walled city.  Alexander approached the city, demanded to see the king and set out terms for surrender.  The king only laughed: “why should I surrender to you?  You can’t do us any harm!  We can endure any siege.”

In response, Alexander offered to give the king a demonstration.  Nearby, within sight of the city walls, was a sheer cliff.  He ordered his men to line up in single file and began to march them toward the precipice.  The city’s citizens watched with horrified fascination as the column moved unhesitatingly towards and over the edge.  Only after several men had plunged to their death did Alexander order the rest of his men to halt.  He then called his troops back to his side and stood silently facing the city.

The effect on the citizens was numbing.  From spellbound silence they moved to terror.  They realized they had no walls thick enough and no resources extensive enough to defend themselves against that kind of loyalty and commitment.  Spontaneously they rushed through the gates to surrender themselves to Alexander.

It is impossible to be sure of the authenticity of this story!  But there can be no doubt about the power of commitment.  People loyal to a leader or a principle and willing to pay the price required will always overwhelm the weak and timid in their ranks who value comfort and convenience more than a cause.

A few years ago I conducted a funeral for a dedicated Christian man. His wife approached me and said, “He’s the lucky one—I wish I was going to heaven today. Why couldn’t it have been me?” We don’t usually envy people who’ve died, unless we know where they’re going, and where we’re going. On his deathbed, a minister told his son, “Don’t worry about me. I’m feeling somewhat better today. But should I slip away while you’re gone, you’ll know where to find me.” Christians never say good-bye for the last time. A minister was visiting an elderly man, who had been a Christian for most of his life. The minister remarked, “Well sir, after keeping the faith for so long, you must feel pretty confident of holding out to the end.” The gentleman replied, “It’s not a matter of me holding out; it’s the Lord holding on to me…and the Bible assures me that I can trust Him for that!”

As the course began, the professor announced there would be a test in forty days and it would compose a large portion of the grade. Students had to do well on the test. Everybody studied. They took copious notes. They made sure they understood everything the professor said. On the fortieth day the students filed into the lecture hall with sweaty palms, extremely nervous. On the stage was a table with five cages on it. Each cage had a cover and beneath the cover they could see the feet and spindly legs of a bird.

At the sound of the bell, the professor addressed the students, “Here’s the test. You can see there are five birds and they’re all covered except for their feet and legs. You must tell me the identity of each of these birds by looking only at their feet and legs.” Everyone had studied long and hard, but no one had anticipated such a test. And they were all sweating, trying to remember something that could help them pass the test.

Finally, one student stood up and said, “This is ridiculous. This is the craziest test I have every seen and you’re the worst professor in this whole school.” He said, “I quit. I‘m out of here. I’m not going to take this test.” And he turned and walked toward the door. “Just a minute young man.” said the professor. “Who are you? I demand your name right now.” The young man stopped, took a long look at the professor and then pulling up both of his pant legs said, “You tell me.”

I heard a story of a ship that was sinking in the middle of a storm, and the captain called out to the crew and said, “Does anyone here know how to pray?” One man stepped forward and said, “Yes sir, I know how to pray.” The captain said, “Wonderful, you pray while the rest of us put on life jackets–we’re one short!”

An elementary school teacher was lecturing to her class on the dangers of not bundling up properly to face the winter cold. She told them a dramatic story about a naughty little boy who disobeyed his mother and went sledding one afternoon without his mittens, cap, and snow suit. Because of it, he caught pneumonia and died. When she finished her story, one boy raised his hand. “Mrs. Johnson, may I ask two questions?” “Go ahead, Tommy,” the teacher replied. “Who has his sled now and could I have it?”  Dag, I think I know this kid!  How about you?